How to Help Children Develop and Build Up a Character Useful to the Lord
Messages for the Perfecting of Parents — "Shepherding Children" Series
Message Six
The emphasis of this message lies upon the cultivation of character. The problems a child faces are many-sided; to put it more simply, character truly does have very much to do with life and with loving the Lord. In our experience, looking at it from a small understanding of the Scripture, we believe the child has response — toward what we teach, in his depths he knows it. Although what he expresses outwardly is often the other side, exasperating us — yet however it goes, you will slowly discover, the child is still good-hearted.
According to the Scripture, when we are saved, the child is set apart with us — for at the very least, he no longer sees in us things of the demon; in his position he has already been sanctified, and so in his spirit he has response toward the Lord. The younger he is, the simpler he is, and the stronger his response toward the Lord. Only that, by the time he reaches junior high, because of factors on every side — especially because the Adamic disposition has developed to a certain stage — although he half-understands a few things, he is willing to try anything. Only that in his spirit he is not yet able to discern, and in his conduct he is not yet able to discern, so he is very easily deceived. On the other side, his response to his parents is very often that the parents strongly and from many sides veto him, and so the child slowly grows up in a kind of rebellious state.
But I am still willing to encourage the brothers and sisters: believe that your child is making progress; believe that your child has heard everything; believe that in the spirit your child has response. When we hope not only to believe but to see the actual fruit with our own eyes, our heart is easily discouraged. For example: a sister said, "Over many years there has been all-around cultivation in the child's character, but he doesn't seem to have made much progress — instead he has gone backward, slack and slovenly." But I find it hard to find a child anywhere under heaven who is not slovenly, and hard to find a child whose room is not in a mess.
I. Pay Attention to Cultivating the Child's Character — First, Honesty
In our cultivation of the child's character, there are four points we particularly emphasize. The first is honesty. I am not so concerned that the child breaks things, or comes home covered in mud — for the child is out of the dust; if he has nothing to do with dust, that would not be normal. So a child must surely play himself into a thorough mess, only then is he satisfied. If you say "This he can't dirty, that he can't dirty," he won't even know how to play. He is dust; he came forth out of dust. Besides this, from the moment a child is born he has to be contrary: the moment he comes home he flings this, knocks over that, opens up the other; the moment he encounters someone, he wants to hit, wants to attack. On one side, the child is dust and so very dirty; on the other, he is wild and so very chaotic. These are his two traits — and I am not particularly concerned about them.
What I do care about is honesty. For honesty has to do with his spirit and with the cultivation of his conscience. So long as he admits it, the sentence is reduced; so long as he himself confesses "this is what I did" and knows he has done wrong, there is no big problem. But if he conceals the matter, then it becomes a serious thing — for we hope they will be, from a young age, true persons, honest persons, persons whose conscience has feeling.
To this day I myself feel a measure of comfort in this: at our house, no matter where I leave the money, although the children know where it is, they will not take it. Of course, my wife and I still constantly remind each other to keep the money a little more out of sight. But fundamentally, we know that when the children have any need, they will not act on the sly — they will discuss it with the parents. We ourselves also do our best: whatever they want, so long as it is not anything too unreasonable, we will consider it.
The treasure is that they are willing to exercise the feeling of their conscience. The principle is just this: that you admit this is what I did, and that you know you were wrong — and there is no great problem. This is a confession in the spirit, a development in the spirit — and this is the point we very much pay attention to.
II. Their Attitude Toward Elders
The second point we pay attention to is their attitude toward elders. If I see a child treating an adult without proper respect, talking carelessly, we have the child pray and confess, or write a letter, or confess in person to that elder. A child's attitude toward elders speaks out his reverence toward the source.
God is our source, and He has set up elders of every kind to be the source for us in every aspect. The parents are the source of our physical life; the teacher is the source of our learning. And there are still other sources from other sides. If you can sincerely revere them, then you are a person who has a source, and you are easily kept by Him. So many do not revere — and that is just because they have no concept of source — supposing that I came into the world by myself, that all the things in my life are my creation, my invention, that I am the best, that this person needs in due course to step on others underfoot. You do not realize that your learning is standing on someone else's shoulders; you do not realize that today's achievements are five thousand years of accumulated history; you do not realize that the elder is the very source God set up for you in His creation.
A man without the concept of source is a man without God. For example: if I come to a church, I want first to know where the elders of this church are. This church has been brought up by their service; we have come down halfway through. Don't think that just because you have arrived, that's something special — without you, the church would still get on perfectly well. Know that this thing has a source; when you come to a place, you must first trace the source. If you cannot find the source, do not move — the moment you move, there will be problems. This is the second point we should pay attention to with the child.
III. Love, Concern, and Peace Toward People
The third point we pay attention to is their love for people, their concern, and their peace with people. We do not want our child to be isolated — for an isolated person cannot be an overcomer. As a matter of experience, there are overcomers who are isolated; but we hope our child, from a young age, will have friends, will love people, will be at peace with people, will care for others. This depends on the help of the children's meeting (er-tong-pai) — for once there is a children's meeting, he will care for his peers, and once he has that group of close-band friends in the church, he will become a happy-going one. This is the third character we hope the child can cultivate.
IV. Doing One's Part
The fourth point we pay attention to is doing one's part. Within God's creation, every age has its own part. For example: for an adolescent, his part is to study. Why are some children no good at studying? Most of the time it is not a matter of intelligence; it is a matter of part. He may feel: "Studying is so boring — let me run to the fridge for a sip; let me crack open the TV for a few minutes; let me play a few rounds of video games." The things he wants to do in life are many — and the most boring one is studying; far more boring than going outside, far less interesting than the other things he likes; and so he runs back and forth in his thoughts. He has no concept that studying is his part. The fact is, at this age he does not need to concern himself with affairs of state; he does not need to follow social news; he certainly does not need to manage all the troubles of the world. He should know that he is the Lord's; nobody can bully him; he need only study well — and that is enough. Likewise, the meetings are his part; the morning revival is his part — and yet just at this age he finds these things tasteless. But never mind: he need only do his part, and these spiritual things will, in the future, become his enjoyment. At this stage we don't need to say too much; only know that God has given different parts to different ages — that is the point we should attend to.
When the children are small they very easily come to blows, and I would describe this as their favorite occupation. There's no point telling brother and sister not to fight with one another — that would be utterly meaningless. They simply have to be together; without anything in particular, they have to mess about with one another to be happy. Of course, when it gets to the point that someone bursts into tears, we have to come and play Judge Bao, and bring the two parties to a settlement. Basically, so long as it does not get out of bounds, it is fine. For example: the older brother uses his fists to hit someone — that is too much, and now we have to judge him. Basically, in these things I don't feel it is too difficult. I have discovered that children all over the world are about the same — just one big mess. The moment you walk into the living room you can tell who has been there; the moment you walk into the bedroom you can tell what has gone on. For example: pick up the cordless phone, he has used it and dropped it just anywhere — so you can tell who used it, because he never leaves a clean trail behind to tell you, "I was here." But this kind of thing does not really bother me — for when he grows up and goes off to school, the God-man is brought out. Although the moment he comes back home, everything reverts to normal; only when he leaves again, in the course of years, do we see the formation taking shape. This forming generally takes ten or fifteen years.
We hope we can all be patient, all hold to hope, and believe that we will surely succeed. When your son reaches high school and moves into a brothers' house, the report you keep getting back will be: "My, how was your son brought up so well?" You may not even quite believe it. For when he comes home, he is exactly the same as before — but, strange to say, his reputation outside is very fine. Is this your son? Yes — it is your son. Now I have already prophesied it to him: all that you said in the Lord's house will, in time — be fulfilled. Do not be afraid; hold to hope; whatever you have taught him in the Lord, has all been planted in him. But do not hope that he will fall into line all at once.
If at any time you see a small child sitting in a chair, all quiet and not moving in the slightest, you must feel his forehead — for one of two things has happened: either he has grown up, or he is sick. So long as he is not sick, his cells are jumping; only those of us at our age sitting in our chairs have cells that have slowly settled, with very little strength left, the back not so nimble any more. But the children are vital persons, full of vitality, racing here and racing there — you will not even see the shoes flying off. For when he runs, the shoes can't keep up — and so just like the dust-born one he is, one quick run and the shoes are gone too. But do not worry: these things, given a little time and teaching, he will all manage to do.
These four points are the truly critical ones. First, your conscience and honesty: it does not matter that you erred — what matters is being honest. Second, your reverence: your attitude toward elders shapes your attitude toward God, making you a person who has a source. Third, your peace toward people, your love toward people, your learning to pray for others, your learning to care for others: do not have only yourself in your heart, only your homework — you need to care for others. Fourth, your part: you must know that at this moment, where your part lies. Once you have done your part, then to do other things is no problem. To see in your own self that there is the Lord — that is the heart of fearing God, the heart of fearing God and revering Him. Ecclesiastes chapter twelve gives us a principle: what is called "fearing God" is just the heart of fearing God, revering Him.
For these reasons, in our seeking out the discipline of the children, some matters need not be too much disturbed by us; but other matters are our key emphases — those need to be placed deep in your prayer. If you discover the child is being slack, evasive — you need strong, weighty prayer; otherwise he will become a two-faced person, speaking one kind of word on this side and another on the other side. That kind of expression, in the future, will be intolerable. But you must still believe — believe that the child has hope.
Beyond this — more important still — is how to shepherd your child in the Lord: walking with him in confession and prayer, helping him turn back to the Lord's face. For some children, when they see another child they don't like, do not go and greet him — they go and pinch him. This is one form of his expression: pinching the other child until he yelps. We need to take this opportunity to bring him to the Lord's face — letting him know that he has indeed done wrong and has wounded another — bringing him to turn to the Lord and confess. This confession will give him a kind of regeneration, and will also bring him to begin to grow up in the Lord.
V. Other Small Points to Note
How to lead the child to learn to be subject — this also is a question we have considered. Sisters have brought up the matter of practicing pray-reading and Scripture-memorizing-and-speaking (禱研背講) being a real salvation — and that is true. If we can lead our children in Pray · Research · Memorize · Speak (of course leading children in this is not the same as leading adults) — making the Lord's word absolute — that will be of absolute, long-term benefit to our children.
Of course, I also believe this has very much to do with a mother who lives a pattern of life in life — for the child imitates a pattern. He sees the pattern, and one day when his vessel opens up, he will of his own accord begin to learn. The learning of the children at our home was not just in housekeeping, but in the life of prayer. From childhood they discovered the family's life is a life of prayer, so when they were very small they would already find an opportunity to shut the door and call out loudly upon the Lord's name; about two years ago they had built up the habit of fixed-time prayer. When this side has been touched, in the matter of character there is a strong sense of life. This has very much to do with the patterns at home.
Furthermore, avoid telling ghost stories — these are very wounding to the soul, leaving the heart unsettled; and these things are all unreal. By "unreal" I do not mean there are no demons; I mean that, for one who belongs to God, that is unreal. All those little ghosts are already under the feet of us and the church. Watch what your child reads, watch what novels he picks up — judge whether they are right or wrong: read too many love stories and he will fantasize wildly; read too many ghost stories and he will become suspicious of everything; let him read about astrology and it will go straight into his heart. All of this has to do with reading; though reading does cultivate the child's interest in books, by reading too much the wrong things, problems arise. This is something to avoid on the negative side.
What we should strengthen on the positive side is corporate prayer. I pray; you pray; the strength of prayer becomes double, and the Lord Jesus listens with greater intensity. We must first let him know this, and then tell him: the Lord Jesus most loves the corporate prayer; we want to bring each other in this way out into prayer to help him. Of course, in the early days you may feel it is not so weighty — but in the long run, you must teach him with weight. The child, in principle, can be taught.
In matters of teaching, we will all meet setbacks. When I do not teach, he does not yet rebel; the moment I begin to teach, he begins to react. Basically, the child has Christ; he also feels the Lord is with him at every moment — but he has not yet sensed the church, and does not yet know the strength of the corporate. This need not be expounded too deeply — only let him know some spiritual principles. Some matters call for strictness and principle — but do not get into the flesh over them; rather, slowly cultivate him; let him know what mommy is more careful about, and what mommy doesn't mind so much.
Concerning sin and the world, the Lord's way is to flee. You do not need to confront it head-on — for no man can overcome it. Why is no man able to overcome it? Because the enemy enters in through your eyes, through your ears, through every avenue. From the moment you see, the scene has already entered into you — so for these things, you must only flee. The less you take in, the more you preserve life. Many sorrows come from reading too many love stories; if you read too many detective stories, you become suspicious of everything. So what should one read? — Have the child choose what does not have heavy negative side-effects.
If a child is really afraid of demons, let him call upon the Lord; if he is really afraid of the dark, turn on the light for him — in spiritual matters, don't play the hero. As when some say, "I'll watch TV at the same time as I call on the Lord's name and command Him to overcome the world" — there is no need for that; that turns a hero into a clown. If your child has already grown very afraid of the dark, never mind — let him sleep with the light on, because he does not need at this moment to practice calling on the Lord; he needs to be soothed. How few persons under heaven are not afraid of the dark? Everyone is afraid of the dark — only a matter of degree. Better to soothe him first, then slowly to practice. For if he sleeps with the light on for a few years, he will not be afraid any more — because he will no longer have that fearing-the-dark concept. If you make him face the dark every day, every day he will fear the dark. As a matter of fact, in many idol-worshipping families, when they go with the brothers and sisters to dismantle the idols, they are still afraid — they don't know what is going on, because they have feared all these years. To us this is no big matter; for us this is a minor problem. But because of these things, even at the time of dismantling they tremble again — as if their whole being collapses; the fear-of-demons comes back; it is the heart playing tricks.
The conclusion is just this: what can be overcome — overcome it; what cannot be overcome — flee from it. None of these things matters that much. A man who keeps the lights on day and night can still be an overcomer; perhaps after a stretch he will slowly change.
VI. Conclusion
Among parents, no one fails to pay attention to the child's character; but what we emphasize in his character is most important. We should emphasize the points before the Lord — the important character that will form him into an overcomer. Generally we go by the natural-man's notion: I tend to focus on whether my child is neat, whether he is orderly, whether he is punctual, whether he is obedient. Most of us are probably the same; we may not pay so much attention to whether he is honest, whether he reveres elders, whether he can do his part.
The second thing to note is: children are very intelligent and very keen; they read out from our reactions what is the focus. Many times when our reaction-focus is off, we very easily misdirect the child. For example: we need to take very seriously whether the child is honest. But also, do not give him pressure — far too often, our demands are very many, putting great pressure on the child, which only causes him to be more rebellious. Helping our child build up his character has very much to do with whether he becomes an overcomer, even with whether he lives a spiritual life before the Lord.
VII. Appendix — Spiritual Q&A
[Question 1] My son does not like to take part in the children's year-end display, feeling that what he is to display is not his burden, not what he has felt to speak — so he cannot accept the display. Yet for our adults' sake he reluctantly agrees. I really don't know how to transmit it into him.
[Answer] This has not so much to do with the practice of character; it is more about his recognition. A child like this is good — he is willing to be very real. He feels that what he is displaying is not his usual feeling — it is a feeling specially dug out for the occasion. But this raises a point: on one side I praise him for his willingness to be a real person — that is what the Lord delights in. But every person has two sides: we are a huge body of flesh, yet within us is the divine life.
Don't even speak of the children — even we ourselves, sometimes before the meeting, grumble: "Church life is so tiring — church life really is suffocating — every day in the church life there is prophesying. Where I used to be there was no need for any of this." But once the meeting begins, we again say: "Church life is so joyful, church life is so glorious, ever since I came among you — I prophesied again." And then we sit down. There are some who are not used to this — feeling we are two-faced persons; just before the meeting we have just made a string of negative comments, and now in the meeting we have come out and said quite the other side. So which version is the real one? — to put it that way, we may as well say less, for what we say is not entirely true. If we are this way, how much more the children?
We are wild olive trees, sour olive trees that set the teeth on edge. One day, a branch was grafted in upon us — a branch from a sweet grapevine — and from that point onward we kept growing in this vine. But do not forget: as we grow, while the good above is growing taller, the sour below is also putting forth shoots. Look at what we answer to — why is it that some who had truly loved the Lord, who had served much, in the end leave the church life? This puzzles us, because they had been so spiritual all along, yet how could they develop in this way? Hear my word: no one's betrayal, no one's division, is sudden — every man's is gradual.
How is it gradual? For example: on one side I am released in the church and am supplying life; on the other side, in my daily living, because of being an overcomer, I begin to criticize the saints. Even when at the time the Lord gives me a sense that I should not be criticizing the saints, I have a hundred reasons, thinking, "the saints are slack, they are lazy! At least, however poor I am, I am still practicing —
— so this feeling overrides the Lord's feeling. After a while, in my living I criticize people more and more callously. After a while again, I begin to criticize the responsible brother of the district. I criticize and criticize until I no longer feel anything at all; then I begin to criticize the elders. The criticism develops to this point — but in the meeting I still release the truth in the same way; only the truth no longer goes through. For I have all along been developing these things in my living. To the point that, in my living, the sour overtakes me and replaces the sweet trunk; the result is that I begin to criticize a certain brother or Brother Lee — and at that point I go out. This is a gradual path. It is not as though yesterday at the meeting all was well, and today I am out, and we don't know who tripped me. It is little by little.
If you would be a person who criticizes the Lord's recovery, you must cultivate this from a young age: from a young age first practicing judging, condemning the saints, and then slowly slowly slowly grow into condemning the elders, and then condemning the leading brothers in life, and then going out. We are all this kind of persons. I often say things to the Lord; but I am very clear that I am one who has utterly failed, one who is very poor, who really has no qualification; only the Lord has compassion on us.
So when the child says, "My usual feeling is one thing, but the display is altogether another feeling" — which is real? Or, which is the eternal one? The slight feeling, the one that abides forever; the strong feeling, the one that need not be mentioned. Under heaven there is nothing new — if all of us displayed this wild olive tree, then we may as well dismiss the meeting. So it is not a question of real or unreal, since both are real. We must help him see that what you display is absolutely real.
My daughter often complains to me of this same feeling — she takes spiritual matters seriously. She often says to her mother: "Mom, I've messed up again — for my motives are not pure." Or: "Mom, I've messed up again — I find I'm reading just for the marks." For Mommy has been helping her see that reading is for the sake of the Lord, that she should pay attention to the process, pay attention to how she experiences the Lord. She has the conscience-feeling, but feels she is no good — and that is a very fine state of affairs. But the Lord is not asking her to display this side; that side need only be placed inside Him, and that is enough. That she does not display, she does not even know — it is what does not abide forever, what should be discarded; what is important is the display itself — and that she is not displaying herself. You only need to help her say: "What you are displaying is fine, because you let the Lord receive glory. Although we are still not enough, the Lord Jesus will forgive us. You have this feeling, you feel you are unable — that is good; Mommy will go with you to confess and to pray together. Once we have prayed, we still go and say to the Lord, 'Lord! I am willing to glorify You.'" Help him — of course you don't have to speak this deeply; I am speaking this for the sake of all of you.
Don't speak of the children — even we ourselves are often this way: the moment the meeting is dismissed, we live in our soul; then once a saint comes by, we are immediately back in our spirit, and we put on a very false show of it. The moment the saint leaves, we are back in our soul again — and a mother is the quickest of all: the moment she sends the guests off, the children make a mess in a flash, and at once she has the rod in her hand and she is back in her soul. So a mother's displaying is no easy matter, for her conscience is so heavy that she often feels she is the leading expert in failure, not knowing whether she is fit to come up to display. But these mothers are very much overcomers: they display, and they weep — weeping, even as they display.
When we lead the child in praying together, that is to experience the Lord; for the moment we pray, he changes: his state, his attitude, his feeling — they begin to change; while he is praying-and-speaking, the person comes back to his own deepest place. With his mouth he says "It is so disgusting," the things he so disliked. But you tell him, "Then let us pray," and he begins to pray with you. For in the end there is the Lord; so as long as you are willing, in one matter at a time, to walk through prayer with him — once the prayer is done, after a while you ask, "Don't you feel different?" He will surely speak to you about both sides; but you can pursue him in this — that because of touching the Lord, there is a kind of new metabolism and change.
[Question 2] My child is in school, and the teacher knows he is a Christian; but in front of the teacher he behaves poorly, and I don't know how to help him. I do not know how he should handle wisely and properly his relations with classmates.
[Answer] Our children, basically, will stand out at school; but we must avoid friction or any sort of conflict with the teacher, because we must revere the source. However it is, the Lord has set up the teacher above to be His authority. When the teacher our children meet is no good, when his lectures are confused, the child cannot bear it and wants to criticize the teacher. At this point we should help our child: first, do not casually criticize the teacher; second, do not join with the classmates in giving the teacher nicknames. Classmates love giving teachers nicknames — Nun, Stupid-So-and-So, things like that. These are all matters of reverence. Some children are very gifted at speaking up — and may inevitably get into a contest of speaking. If the matter has to do with truth, for the Lord's sake, do not privately criticize the teacher — you may stand up for the Lord. Basically, in most matters that should be discussed and spoken, in your discussion and speaking you must keep the proper reverence toward the teacher.
[Question 3] My child is in school, and the teacher knows he is a Christian; in matters of discipline the child feels very wronged in his heart, and I do not know how to help him.
[Answer] The teacher pays special attention to the Christian — but the child does not feel he is being lifted up; instead he feels he is being pressed down. I remember when I was small — I used to follow my mother in changing schools; my schoolwork was good, and I rarely got hit.
In fifth grade, I had moved to a new school for only a few days when my hat was taken by a classmate. I wanted to get it back, and the teacher caught me and whacked me twice. That really hurt me — for I had always been a good student, only to be whacked over a thing like this. But two years on, I felt my teacher's love for me — the truth comes out only with the passage of time. In a situation like this, we must walk with the child in prayer; what needs adjusting, must be adjusted. If it was a misunderstanding, the Lord Himself will clear it up; we must lead him to the Lord's face — not letting him hold too great a sense of frustration, or any feeling of being suppressed. We always find this hard to bear; but we should encourage them to trust the Lord, walk with them in prayer, teach them one thing — to ask the Lord what He would have us learn from this matter. At the start, things will feel unlucky, as if these things never happen to anyone else. But these things will not cause the Lord's testimony to be ashamed; they only cause us to learn to experience the Lord through them.
We have very high hopes toward our children — our hope is that they will be complete persons without blemish. Under heaven there are no complete persons; the children at this age all too often expose their incompleteness without remainder — so at just this point our temper and the children's rebellion both reach their peak; and so we have many disappointments.
My personal experience is first — to constantly pray. This brings us, again and again, to look at the part of the child that is turned toward the Lord; for I have ten-thousand-percent confidence that, in conversation with the child, you can find out his condition before the Lord. The children of all the world are about the same — every one of them grew up out of dust, and the dust is slowly metabolized away, and the gold slowly grows out, without exception. We must always believe that that part of the child which is turned toward the Lord absolutely exists, and goes on existing — only that you must find it. This is not difficult: from the child's conversation you can know what is going on at school; you will discover that he really does love the Lord. For example: because someone spoke ill of the Lord Jesus, he had a fight with the man. Although fighting is not good, for the Lord's sake — you will discover the children all have the heart of loving the Lord — and that is the digging out.
Second — to live in spirit. The first essential of disciplining a child is that "I" live in spirit. Although difficult, it must be practiced. When you find your heart pounding, when you find your voice trembling at speaking — don't speak yet. First step away and adjust yourself, until you yourself can live in spirit. So what is living in spirit? My experience is, it is recovering one's love and hope toward the child. For the moment we see the rebellious face of the man, our confidence collapses. But if you pray to a certain measure, you can recover your love and hope toward them; you start to see he is a small overcomer, he is one who has hope, he has the Lord within him — and at that point you have come back to the spirit. Now you can call him over, and gently but with weight, tell him where he was wrong, and listen to what really happened. This is the hardest part — but I encourage the brothers and sisters: we can absolutely practice it. Although our whole life will be full of failures, you will discover that because we earnestly practice the spirit, our discipline will be different, and the child's response will also be different.
The child's response is mostly not based on that one matter — but on our anger, our flesh; he has many more reactions to those. Most of us — especially the mothers — react very quickly. Usually the first reaction out is the burst of temper — and that is of the dust; you have to let the second one come out, don't feel it is too hard. I can testify, it is not so hard; even though we fail again and again, in the failures we discover that the Lord enters in just a little more — and that is most important. Without our managing, they themselves know that they have done wrong; their reactions take root in the seed of the flesh — the seed of flesh, the seed of temper, the seed of intimidation, the seed of condemnation. Sometimes we speak savagely: "You go and die! You stupid thing! You dead pig!" These words are very dangerous — these are words out of Hades. We parents must with all our strength avoid these words; however we rebuke, we must always hold to hope. I myself practice often saying to the children: "You are the overcomers in your daddy's place — your daddy treasures very much your love-toward-the-Lord, your prophesying — but in this one matter, you have offended the Lord." Avoid condemning words, negative words, words of rejection, or words that would kill the spirit — these greatly wound the child's spirit and his heart turned toward the Lord.
In fact, the child is willing to receive your reproof, because he knows he was wrong. You will discover that disciplining the child has plenty of subtlety — however you discipline, he doesn't cry; but if you go too far in disciplining, he can't bear it any more, and he cries — and there are many kinds of crying. One is demonstrative crying — he cries to see if there is a reaction; he cries again, sees there is no reaction, and stops, and goes off to play. Another is brokenhearted crying, broken-and-grieved; you must hurry to the Lord's face to repent, and ask, "What is going on? — was that disciplining over the line?" The child knows: as long as you discipline at the right point, if he knows this is what he had coming, he will not protest; but if it was a misunderstanding, the heavens will fall and the earth will be torn open.
How can we not misunderstand him? — we must be in spirit. Sometimes we say, "Every time it's like this!" — that wounds him too, as though every time is the same and he never has anything good. Sometimes when he does a little better, you say, "Is this real?" — that's even worse. It's as though you are slandering him; for he doesn't easily make himself sincere, and was just trying to perform well for you to see, and now you've again wounded him. In dealing with people: if there is in him so much as a ten-thousandth of Christ, you must magnify it, multiply it sevenfold, into an enhanced expression; then you can come back and bring him to confess, since he still has nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine ten-thousandths of fallen-portion. But there is one point we need to affirm: the reason a child slips into a continual fall is most often because he supposes the parents will never change — that however he changes, the parents' impression of him is still the same; they will not change; and so he falls all the way down. So, toward our children, we should always hold to hope, and practice living in spirit, living in love.
Living in hope unfolds itself into our encouragement. As we ask more of the child, as our hope toward him grows higher, do our condemning and reproving go beyond our encouraging of him? Our encouragement of him should far exceed our condemnation; for what is condemned has been condemned since the beginning, and to condemn one more time or one less time makes very little difference — except to multiply his sense of frustration. As a matter of fact, from the time Christ was sown into him, there are some things in him that abide forever; and to enlighten that side requires much encouragement. Test scores high — encouragement; test scores low — just a little less scolding.
My own practice is: when the child does well, give praise; when he does badly, don't scold too much. As a matter of fact, he is already very anxious; he has already scolded himself for a long while — if we scold him on top of that, he will collapse. Better to walk with him to the Lord's face in prayer, or to tell him "never mind — just this once, daddy believes there is no problem with your studying." Then come back together to discuss was this carelessness, or was it some other reason? Before discussing, first give him a kind of affirmation. How one is to reach the place where encouragement exceeds scolding — we all need to encourage one another. Do all you can to avoid speaking in anger; better to wait a moment, don't be in a hurry; waiting ten minutes will do no harm — but speaking ten minutes too soon will do harm. What was originally a fine teaching opportunity — because you were too much in a hurry, and the impatient words came out — and the chance is lost.
Husband and wife should constantly pray together; in prayer always hold to hope before the Lord — this I very much believe. A high percentage of our next generation will become overcomers. Among us seated here, if we hold this concern, this nurturing toward our next generation — though now you may feel it is very hard, as a matter of fact, they are already in the ranks of overcomers. We need to hold to a kind of faith, and in prayer cultivate this faith.
The last thing to note is the pattern. Although it has long been said again and again, we still have to remind one another: very often we tell him to read Scripture, yet we ourselves do not read Scripture; we tell him to pray about every matter, yet we ourselves do not pray — the pattern is still the most important. Whatever we hope the child will become, we ourselves must also have some practice — growing together with the child, practicing together with the child.
The child lying is of the demon — it is one of his dispositions — and it is also of his fear. For he knows: "If I speak this out, there will be such-and-such a result" — and the best way is not to speak, so that he can flee the result he fears. The child's demonic disposition — just walk with him in pray-reading, and slowly he will surely change. But on the other hand you also need to help him, and this help may have to do with his surrounding environment. For instance: you need to draw near to him, and learn to believe what he says — because ever since you discovered he lied, in your eyes he is beyond saving. Our eyes will tell him that he has probably cheated again; this is the human heart-attitude. If I am talking with a thief, from the very start I already suspect him. It is not like talking with a brother — I know he will not lie, and I am quite at ease; but the moment I encounter one with a prior record, it is not so easy.
If you discover that his lying often comes out of fear, then you have to remove that fear; the way to remove the fear is to praise him, affirm him. And of course the only true salvation is Christ Himself — and we must believe that ever since he was baptized and saved, so long as we bring him to touch the reality in the universe, he will surely change. If you feel still more strengthening is needed, walk with him in morning revival; in the midst of enjoying, find an opportunity to lead him into a little prayer of confession. How do you lead him to confess? Not by directly saying, "You must confess!" — rather, you yourself confess first; in time he too will learn to confess. Light can be kindled; gradually he will have his change. He is the child of God; the feeling of conscience will be cultivated more and more.
— End of Message Six —