Being One with God in Disciplining Our Children
Messages for the Perfecting of Parents — "Shepherding Children" Series
Message Four
Scripture Reading: Heb. 12:1–29
Heb. 12:1 — Therefore let us also, having so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, put away every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us and run with endurance the race which is set before us, Heb. 12:2 — Looking away unto Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down on the right hand of the throne of God. Heb. 12:3 — For compare Him who has endured such contradiction by sinners against Himself, so that you may not grow weary, fainting in your souls. Heb. 12:4 — You have not yet resisted unto blood, struggling against sin, Heb. 12:5 — And you have completely forgotten the exhortation which reasons with you as with sons, "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when reproved by Him; Heb. 12:6 — For whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives." Heb. 12:7 — It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons. For what son is there whom the father does not discipline? Heb. 12:8 — But if you are without discipline, of which all sons have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Heb. 12:9 — Furthermore we have had the fathers of our flesh as discipliners and we respected them; shall we not much more be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? Heb. 12:10 — For they disciplined for a few days as it seemed good to them; but He, for what is profitable that we might partake of His holiness. Heb. 12:11 — Now no discipline at the present time seems to be a matter of joy, but of grief; but afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been exercised by it. Heb. 12:12 — Therefore set straight the hands which hang down and the paralyzed knees, Heb. 12:13 — And make straight paths for your feet, that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather may be healed. Heb. 12:14 — Pursue peace with all men and sanctification, without which no one will see the Lord; Heb. 12:15 — Looking carefully lest anyone fall away from the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and through this many be defiled; Heb. 12:16 — Lest there be any fornicator or profane person like Esau, who for one meal gave up his own birthright. Heb. 12:17 — For you know that also afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place for repentance, even though he sought it with tears. Heb. 12:18 — For you have not come forward to a mountain which could be touched and which was set on fire, and to darkness and gloom and whirlwind, Heb. 12:19 — And to the sound of a trumpet and to the voice of words, because of which those who heard entreated that no further word be spoken to them; Heb. 12:20 — For they could not bear that which was being commanded: "If even a beast touch the mountain, it shall be stoned." Heb. 12:21 — And so fearful was the sight, Moses said, "I am full of fear and trembling." Heb. 12:22 — But you have come forward to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem; and to myriads of angels, to the universal gathering; Heb. 12:23 — And to the church of the firstborn, who have been enrolled in the heavens; and to God, the Judge of all; and to the spirits of righteous men who have been made perfect; Heb. 12:24 — And to Jesus, the Mediator of a new covenant; and to the blood of sprinkling, which speaks something better than that of Abel. Heb. 12:25 — See that you do not refuse Him who speaks, for if those did not escape who refused Him who warned them upon the earth, much more we shall not escape who turn away from Him who warns from heaven, Heb. 12:26 — Whose voice at that time shook the earth but now has promised, saying, "Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also heaven." Heb. 12:27 — And this word, "Yet once more," shows clearly the removal of the things being shaken as being of things having been made, that the things which are not shaken may remain. Heb. 12:28 — Therefore receiving an unshakable kingdom, let us have grace, through which we may serve God well-pleasingly with piety and fear; Heb. 12:29 — For our God is also a consuming fire.
I. Children Are the Heritage God Has Given; Parents Are God's Stewards — Psa. 127:3
Psa. 127:3 — Behold, children are the heritage of Jehovah, The fruit of the womb a reward.
1. The consecration parents ought to have — "As for me and my house, we will serve Jehovah." — Josh. 24:15
Josh. 24:15 — And if it seems wrong in your sight to serve Jehovah, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve, either the gods from across the River, whom your fathers served, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve Jehovah.
2. The commission parents have received — to be stewards, to take care of the children for God.
We come now to the matter of disciplining our children. I believe we are all very concerned about this, for most of your headaches are over disciplining the children. We have all along been searching for a good way — how can our children really be changed? But before we speak of disciplining them, we first need to look at how God disciplines us.
In the age of grace, what is called love is not a supply in which everything is sweet and everything is joyful. The supply in the age of grace has two kinds: the one is "nourishment" for your growth; the other is the "all-inclusive elixir" — to kill the bacteria in you. So it is not only supply and nourishing on the one side; there must also be discipline on the other.
Paul, in Hebrews 11, having spoken of the footsteps of faith, immediately goes on in chapter 12 to speak of those witnesses of faith in every generation; you can say that they have paved out for us a clear road by which, through faith, we receive the reward — that is, the kingdom of the Lord. On this "way of faith," your faith and your spirit's response to Him bring His dispensing. But His dispensing is not only the side of joy and supply; it has also the side of being for-difficulty, the side of the cross. So here Paul says it strongly: if we wish to grow up, if we wish to keep on walking the Lord's road, we must surely know the discipline of the Lord.
Many fall, just because they do not recognize the Lord's discipline. They suppose that having believed in the Lord, all is at peace, that there are no other lessons to learn — until one day a difficult environment arrives, or the Lord through one of the saints turns a stern countenance toward them, or the Lord uses a brother to give some adjustment; and at once they fall. They feel the church seems not to love — but you must know that all this comes out of the Father's discipline.
To run the Lord's road we must, no matter what, get up again and press onward — therefore we cannot be weary, and we cannot lose heart. Why do we grow weary? Why do we lose heart? — Because we have not seen the Lord's discipline. Paul opens the matter saying, "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord," and then "nor faint when reproved by Him; for whom the Lord loves He disciplines." Discipline is the sign of the Lord's love. If a person is being disciplined, this proves that the Lord's love toward him cannot be put into effect otherwise. It is not that the Lord does not love — but that the man is not enjoying the Lord's love. If you are a person being disciplined, this proves that the Lord loves you. For whom the Lord loves He disciplines. And it is not only discipline — this discipline is also weighty: He scourges every son whom He receives.
Paul even says: "If everything you pray for the Lord answers, if everything you ask the Lord gives, you feel the Lord is truly the One who answers your every request — you may very well not be a son; you may be illegitimate." That is a heavy word! We dare not say such a thing of others, but the Scripture says it to us. So do not misunderstand, do not be superstitious, supposing that since I have believed in the Lord, anything goes for me, and no one may have any check upon me. No! — for whom the Lord loves He disciplines. Discipline is something all sons share; every child of God receives discipline. If we are without discipline, we do not look like sons. That is severe!
Then Paul goes on to draw a comparison: "In fact, even our fleshly fathers disciplined us, that we might be profited; how much more then will the Father of spirits discipline us?" The fleshly father disciplines for the profit of our flesh and our soul; but the Father of spirits — He is the Father of the spirit; He disciplines, of course, for the sake of my spirit's growing, for the sake of my spirit being strong, for the sake of my spirit being unaffected, for the sake of my spirit being unobstructed. All the fathers on earth are fleshly; only this Father is "the Father of my spirit," "the Father of myriads upon myriads of spirits" — who governs my spirit, who watches over my spirit, who cultivates my spirit, who also cleanses my spirit.
The fleshly father has another trait: in the brief days of this life he disciplines according to what he thinks is good. But the Father of spirits disciplines us in order that we may have a part in His holiness. Wow! How wonderful! Right? What does "having a part in His holiness" mean? "Holy" means God Himself; "having a part in His holiness" means having a part in His own self. If you are to have a part in God, if you are to be constituted by God — what do you need? You need discipline. Strange! "In His economy you've all along said the need is for dispensing — why now do you say the need is discipline?" — Because discipline is for the sake of dispensing.
Hebrews 12:11 says: "Now no discipline at the present time seems to be a matter of joy, but of grief; but afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been exercised by it." The "peaceable fruit of righteousness" — is that not dispensing? Yes, it is dispensing — and dispensing brought to completion, so that the fruit is yielded. Every time we are disciplined, our hands may hang down and our knees become paralyzed; but for the sake of yielding the peaceable fruit of righteousness, we need to set straight the hands which hang down and lift up the paralyzed knees, and make our paths straight, that we may continue running the race forward.
Even though this passage is not exactly cheerful to hear, brothers and sisters, please remember: the very reason we speak of disciplining our children is that we ourselves are also God's children; our whole life we too are under the Lord's discipline. I myself know — from the day I began to love the Lord until today, the discipline I have received has been very abundant. But at the same time I also know: I have left no grumbling or reaction behind, and on the contrary much fruit has been yielded. This is not by comparison with anyone else; I myself am still weak; but I have a very deep sense of the Lord's discipline. If I were to recount the experiences of my whole life, every time I think on these things I almost weep. The environments the Lord has measured to me have not been those I would have chosen for myself; what came along very often was just what I did not like — but, thank the Lord, no discipline at the present time seems to be a matter of joy, but afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been exercised by it. "The peaceable fruit" — that fruit declares that with God, and with men, I am right; and peace is just this result.
In the church, in the body of Christ, the greatest characteristic is "peace with one another." Between man and man there is no peace; between party and party there is no peace; in the political arena there is no peace; on the surface of human society there is no peace. Only in the body of Christ is there peace; the greatest characteristic of the body of Christ is peace. Thank the Lord — discipline like this has gained Christ for me, has built me up, has yielded in me the peaceable fruit of righteousness.
So, on the basis of this, we are to practice the discipline of our children. Do we discipline? Yes! Do not, please, suppose that love-education means managing nothing, letting everything go, letting him do as he likes! — especially when the child is the youngest, we tend not to discipline him. The youngest is the most lovable, and also the most adept at climbing on the head. It is not that climbing on the head is bad; it is that we neglect discipline. For any child to be raised up, to become an instrument, a vessel useful to the Lord, discipline must come — that is what all sons together undergo.
When we come to disciplining our children, two things have to be established: first, "Do not manage what he does not have"; second, "Manage out what he does have." You may say, "These two sentences are very strange!" For example: you wish your child to be kind toward men, to be respectful — but these are precisely things he does not have. You keep demanding it of him, even bringing out the citizen-rules, the Analects, Mencius, the Doctrine of the Mean, the Great Learning, to manage him. The result is — afterward there's no use; even Nicodemus, that educational master, could not manage these matters; how much less you and I! So you say, "Then in the end shall I not manage him?"
Our children and the children of the world are not the same — for our children are children with a spirit; they have a regenerated spirit within them; they have the living God within them. What, then, is the goal of our discipline? — It is to "manage out his spirit," to nourish and bring forth his spirit; it is to remove every hindrance, that his spirit may be released. This is the central goal of our discipline.
In disciplining we must have a vision. For example: we constantly tell the child, "Don't speak nonsense." Why? — Because to speak nonsense will expose the situation of our home; so we sternly charge him not to talk nonsense. This is our method of discipline. Or again: "You'd better study." Why? — Because the child next door studies so well that it is unnerving for us; so we instruct him: "Why don't you fight a little for some face for Daddy? How could you score so badly this time? Little So-and-so scored what? Ninety-eight? You scored what? Eighty-nine? How could you?" — Look — is this not our discipline? I am only sketching it; you may not be exactly like this; but very often we discipline simply according to our own arbitrary preference.
Even I myself have come to realize: I, too, have disciplined according to my own notion. To protect the child, lest others find him sub-standard, I tell him, "This thing you can't do; that thing you can't do; for if you do it, you'll expose this or that of mine." You see, every one of us is self-willed. Why must you insist the child become a doctor? He doesn't like it — why must you insist he become a doctor? Say no more. Actually, being a doctor is wonderful — one can preach the gospel and lead many to salvation; but having this vision — the reason, I say, is not so common; most have another vision. My point is not whether to do this or that; my point is, where is our vision? What is the vision behind your discipline?
Brothers and sisters, this is the cause of our failure in disciplining: what can we give to our children? What is eternally there — what is everlastingly without regret? Only that which has lasting value, only that of which is a part in God's holiness; only by helping him, encouraging him, disciplining him, making him an overcomer of this generation — this alone has lasting value. I am most certainly not saying don't study well; on the contrary, I very much believe, and it has been proven again and again — a child before age eighteen, even before age twenty-two, his only duty is to study. So when the child comes home, if his book-work is not done, no other amusement is on the table; if his homework is not finished, nothing else is on the table. But we still must have our vision; what is our goal?
Brothers and sisters, may we sincerely exhort one another: Where do you want your child to go? — This generation grows more and more fallen; it cannot be turned back. This generation is just like a sinking ship; whatever you do, day by day she goes down. Every kind of legislation, every kind of law, every kind of guidance, every kind of guarding, every kind of watching — no use — for this generation, day by day, sinks deeper.
How shall we save our children from the floodwaters of this generation? — Only by making them, in this present age, overcomers, one with the Lord; firstfruits to satisfy God, welcoming the Lord's coming back, even hastening the Lord's return. Glory! glory indeed! Don't ever say, "Brother, you talk too strongly!" Not at all. We ought to be paying attention to their lessons, their bearing-toward-others, every aspect of their lives — but in the end, what is all this for? How can we be one with the Father? He disciplines so vigorously, so that we may receive the dispensing, may have a part in His holiness — His holy-and-different nature. Hallelujah! Our Father disciplines us, with the goal of making us, one by one, into God Himself. Then when we discipline our children, how do we work together with God? — to make them, one by one, into God, in life and in nature, having a part in the image of God (not the position of being worshipped). Each of them is to have a part in His life, a part in His nature, and to be fully one with Him.
Bringing all these points together, we must say: "The goal of our disciplining of the children today is to make our children into the Lord's overcomers." The goal is set; then we say, "Let us discipline — but we must not discipline what he doesn't have." For we have managed for half-a-day to make him joyful, but he doesn't have that; we want him good, but he doesn't have that; we want him to become an overcomer at age eight — well, sorry, you've got it wrong! You should add six thousand years on top — your child is six thousand and eight years old; he is the crystallization of Adam. So I am sorry — how good a place can things go to? Of course I am even more cunning and sly than he is, because I'm six thousand plus forty-some years old! — a little ahead of him, that's all. Since we can't manage what he doesn't have, then we say, "What does he have?" Our children have the traits of vessels close to God's original creation.
II. The Children's Traits — Vessels Close to God's Original Creation
1. The spirit is responsive — to touch God, to receive God, to contain God — 2 Tim. 1:3–5
2 Tim. 1:3 — I thank God, whom I serve from my forefathers in a pure conscience, while unceasingly I have remembrance concerning you in my petitions night and day, 2 Tim. 1:4 — Longing to see you, remembering your tears, that I may be filled with joy; 2 Tim. 1:5 — Having been reminded of the unfeigned faith in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded dwells also in you.
Please remember — our children have a trait, and this trait is the very best trait — that they are "vessels close to God's original creation." He is a vessel; I, too, am a vessel. A child just born is just like Adam newly made; he is the same as the three-part vessel God created. And he is the closest to God's economy: when God created man, it was not for the sake of the spirit-only, not for the sake of the body, not for the sake of the world. When God created man, He made for man a spirit — for receiving God, for touching God, for containing God, for being filled with God. God also made man a body — for expressing God, for carrying out the riches of God on the earth. Between the spirit and the body, God further made a soul — to respond to what is enjoyed in the spirit, and to translate the enjoyment of the spirit into the soul; for knowing God, for loving God, for choosing to obey God. So our spirit, soul, and body are all for God.
But we have fallen; the more we grew, the further we ran from God, the more we ran toward sin; the body is for running, sinning; the spirit is sealed off dead; the soul is full of deceit and contains every evil thing — and this is the situation of the people of this generation. But please remember: "Originally it was not so." Hallelujah! Please remember — your child, in this regard, the smaller he is, the more blessed he is. Because the smaller he is, this vessel of his has not yet had time to take on too much defilement; he is still very near to God and to God's economy. So the spirit of our children is responsive. Don't think the small child can't even understand your speech — he can already sense your spirit!
I myself know — my child gets noisy! Because when he was still small, my sister-wife went to buy groceries, and I was left at home to watch him; but I was busy, so I held the child and prayed. And mysteriously — I do not know how much of my calling he heard, or for whatever reason, but as long as I held the child and prayed, he was usually quiet. You see, your child does not necessarily understand the words, but he is very clear when you are not in spirit. Have your children ever said to you, "Daddy! Mommy! You must live in spirit!"? No? All right, just wait — they will become the bright lamps of your home, lit at all times, illuminating whether Daddy and Mommy are or are not in spirit. Their spirit is highly responsive.
I have seen many children in central Taiwan: even when they fight, or do various things — they cannot help it, that is so to speak their occupation — yet what is precious is that their spirit is very responsive. There was one truly remarkable child: after he hung up the phone he gave forth a string of blessing: "May the Lord be with you; may the seven Spirits strengthen you; may you be an overcomer." Wow! I really did enjoy the supply that came out of his spirit.
When my child was very small, one day he suddenly burst into the room, knelt at the door, and began earnestly calling on the Lord and praying aloud. I think probably he had seen Daddy and Mommy do that often, so he too went and called aloud on the Lord. Afterward, he came out and said, "Mommy, that felt so good!" To tell the truth, I'm not sure whether he actually felt good. But I do believe this was the response of his spirit — because he saw us living this way, and so he learned the same way. He even seemed to me firmer than we are. We grown-ups call on the Lord; barely two calls in we already think, "Whoever offended me yesterday — what was it?" Two more calls and we think, "Did anyone shut off the gas?" Pray a moment longer and we think, "In a little while I must go to the market." — How can that be prayer? But the child's spirit is highly responsive, because his spirit has not yet received many obstructions; in his depths he knows.
This is why we must have a children's meeting (er-tong-pai). This is why we must preach the gospel to children. — Because the spirit of children is the most responsive — but absolutely it is not "easily fooled." The Chinese have a very bad notion — "piàn ǎ-zǐ" ("fool the kid") or "kids are to be fooled." In fact, no! The hardest one to manage is the child. Of course, you might say, "One swing and he's gone." — That's true — that's point four below. But once he's been lured away, having him trust you is not so simple. He is lured away because he has no strength to resist; but for him to like you is not so easy. Why does nearly every child trust Mommy and not trust strangers? — Because by his groping he has come to know where the real love is. Brothers and sisters, do you believe what I am saying? Why must I press the question? — Because if you believe, then you must manage his spirit; you must take care of his spirit; you must mind his spirit. Do not wound his spirit; let his spirit be free, be released.
2. The understanding is opened — 2 Tim. 3:15
2 Tim. 3:15 — And that from a babe you have known the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise unto salvation through the faith which is in Christ Jesus.
The understanding of the child — his mind is for "apprehending God." So no matter how small he is, when you speak to him about this Lord who loves us in the universe, he knows, and he can apprehend. He even apprehends more easily than we do, because his understanding is opened; his mind is able to apprehend God; his emotion is to "love God."
Of course, his way of loving is not the same as ours. When does your child get into the most fights at school? Over what? — "Whose God is the real God?" Our children are too pure; they very directly say, "Yours is fake! It's an idol! Don't you know?" — and at that, the fight starts. Once the fight starts, the Lord Jesus likewise praises him! You should not condemn him just because he gets into a fight. Of course, I do not actually encourage children to fight. But Moses also struck a man — and Moses with his fist was rather frightening; one punch, and the man was killed! But God said over this matter, "This man is usable; this man is usable!" Wouldn't you rather not have him punch you? — But, in truth, it was Jehovah God testing him: Moses was a man who loved the people of Israel, who loved His chosen people. Yet that same punch also cost Moses forty years of price. God is not one to spoil anyone; the punch cost him forty years; and then the later striking cost him not being able to enter the good land. That is exceedingly stern! But you must also admit that this single punch by which he killed the Egyptian shows that his heart was a heart God could trust. Your child too may be just like this — getting into fights for Jesus' sake. But the Lord is pleased — though don't tell him this; you must still encourage him to be at peace with men.
The child's understanding is opened. When my daughter was in primary school, one day after coming home she told her mother, "Mom, I experienced the Lord today!" Her mom asked at once, "Do you know what it means to experience the Lord?" I listened — she said, "To experience the Lord is to do every thing together with the Lord Jesus!" Has she got the principle? Truly! That's not bad! Every thing being done with the Lord Jesus is walking with God. To walk with God — and not experience the Lord? I could not have given a better answer myself. So the children have understanding. Can they imagine? — They surely can. As a matter of fact, many children today are like this; they all experience the Lord; this is not so very mysterious.
In Taipei there was a girl who, in her heart, sensed she should not love the world — and so she took her Barbie doll and threw it into the trash. No one prompted her; she did this on her own. There was another child who, opening his lunchbox, saw it again contained the chicken drumstick he disliked; he picked it up, ready to throw it out. Just as he was about to drop it into the trash, he felt, inside, that something was wrong; so he called out, "O Lord Jesus!" — and then he ate the chicken drumstick. I think what a great little brain that is! Were it switched to you or me, that wouldn't be easy! Sometimes, the food we don't like — we may sneakingly throw it away, may not call on the Lord's name at all, may not exercise to swallow what we don't like. But this child genuinely experienced the Lord in life.
- Pure, only for apprehending God and the things of God's heart.
- Not yet much defiled.
- Just as Timothy from a babe knew the sacred writings — 2 Tim. 3:15.
2 Tim. 3:15 — And that from a babe you have known the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise unto salvation through the faith which is in Christ Jesus.
We also hope that our children will, from a babe, be able to know the holy Scripture.
3. Their deeds are pure — manifesting their nature — Prov. 20:11
Prov. 20:11 — Even a child makes himself known by his deeds, Whether his work is pure and whether it is upright.
Many times we have problems in our discipline because we do not understand the child's heart. The Scripture tells us, "Even a child makes himself known by his deeds, whether his work is pure and whether it is upright." This declares their nature. By contrast, we grown-ups are not pure in deeds, not upright.
My sister-wife, since the children were small, told them, "Smoking is bad; smoking is bad; it harms others, it harms yourself." The result was — one day my daughter was in a vehicle and saw the man in the front seat smoking; immediately she blurted out, "Mom, that man is smoking!" Mom at once said, "Shhhh!" Look — which one is the more pure? We have always taught: "Smoking is bad; it harms others; it harms yourself." The result: the child purely, uprightly, points it out — and we at once "shhhh!" — That is our grown-up state. You may say, "Are you saying I should let the child broadcast it like that?" That is not what I mean — but this is the child's purity, the child's uprightness. Then I ask, "Whose temperament is easier to handle?" The grown-up's is harder, because we grown-ups are not pure. We may openly dislike a brother, but say, "Brother, you are so lovely." Then turn the face and say, "Do you know how bad that man is?" — That is our grown-up state.
The small child is pure; though they may quarrel — once the quarrel is over, the face is wiped clean and they play together again. I really admire it: the child can immediately forget all hatred. My daughter saw a slightly older child bullying a smaller one; the smaller one wailed and wailed and burst into tears. After a few minutes, the smaller one came right back and played with the very child who had been bullying him! I thought, "Don't you know that's the very person who was just unkind to you?" But we grown-ups: it isn't a matter of bullying — even just having to spend three days in the same room with someone, we find it hard. So I ask, "Whose temperament is easier?" — Of course the child's, because all his moods come right out into his deeds. We grown-ups are more falsified; men can hardly help us. So if we wish to enter the kingdom, we must turn back and become like the small child — for the Lord Jesus does not like the false, two-faced ones in the kingdom. In the kingdom, the false and the two-faced shall not enter at all; only the pure can enter in.
Our children have clear-cut love and hate; the Bible's word is just this: evil things to be hated, good things to be drawn near. You love a man — by what means do you love? If you see his good friend has fallen into sin, do not go near that one; you must hate the sin, no matter how good the friend may otherwise be. If you love him, you must hate the sin he commits; you still love him, but you do not flatter him. Toward what is good — draw near; whether or not you like the person — you ought still to draw near to the good.
Furthermore, you must know: the next generation in our families, the descendants of the righteous, are given to hospitality — this is in their very nature; but we constantly wound them. Sometimes the saints come to our house, and the moment the child hears the saints have come, he gets crazy; everything he has been taught on ordinary days is suddenly displayed all at once. Sometimes, the moment the child reaches the front of the guests, he wants to sing, wants to perform: "Tiny flowers smile open, tiny birds fly off..." He's just at the height of his fervor when Mommy comes and says, "Go away! Off to the side! Now the grown-ups have to talk." He then goes "mmm... mmm... mmm..." and stuffs himself back into his bedroom. Then if he runs out again and sees Mommy carrying things every time guests come, he too wants to carry things; but Mommy says, "You can't carry it; you'll drop it! I'll carry it!" — Do you know how much that hurts him? If you let him carry it, and unfortunately, all worked up, he gets it halfway and crash! — at once again, "All right! See? I told you not to carry it." You must know, time and again, you are wounding the child.
Because — this is his nature. He sees we love the saints, so he too loves them very much. But how shall he receive them? — He can only perform! Whatever you can do best, all of it, he wants to perform; he will sing several hymns to the company. But the mother at once stops him. Stop him once, stop him twice, and the child's enthusiasm for hospitality is snuffed out. When he grows up, you may want him to help receive the saints, and find it very hard. Even pour a glass of water for them, he shakes his head and says, "Why don't you call somebody else?" So if you understand his nature, let him perform.
When we go to someone else's house and the child comes to perform, we must surely spend five minutes with him — even kneel down, talk with him, that we might be his friend. Beyond that, we must put on a face full of exclamation points and tell the child, "That was so good! How could you do it so well!" — face full of exclamation points. Of course this is not pretense; it must still be in spirit. Either way, all his actions manifest his nature.
I often illustrate it this way. When the second child is born, the mother needs to be especially watchful; for unconsciously we wound the eldest. With only the eldest, every day we say, "Oh! Baby, you are my heart's love; you are an overcomer; you are Daddy's and Mommy's one and only beloved!" All these words have gone into him. Then the second is born; suddenly Mommy starts saying to the second, "You are my heart's love; you are Daddy's and Mommy's one and only beloved." — The big one hears this from the side, and is deeply hurt. Then he begins to make a mess. Just when you call out, "Baby!" his trick is, "I want a hug! Mommy! I want a hug!" — even at twenty-five kilos of plump child! At this moment, the mother's reaction usually is, "What — you still want to be hugged? I've been carrying you for years; don't you know my hand is about to fall off?" — Then he leaves with a forlorn expression.
What is to be done? I urge you to first put down the second one — for the second doesn't yet know — and pick up the heavy eldest, saying, "You are still Daddy's and Mommy's only treasure." Of course, "only" has many senses, and he really is one of a kind, just so that he might be at peace. Don't worry — he will not sit on you for an hour. Small children always love to sit on you; if you don't hug him now, in the future you may want to hug him and have no chance. Afterwards, he will say, "I want to come down now," and from then on he becomes your vital partner. You want him to look after his sister, or stroke her gently — and he says, "Sister, big brother loves you." But if you wound his heart, you will discover this: when you are cooking, you hear from the other room someone crying; you go in and find the second child has a bruise on her face — because the older has had no other outlet for his anger, and has taken it out on the little one. You understand — you say, "This is your doing, isn't it?" — for he had been struck by his sister's elbow earlier; one strike, and he was even more hurt — for the throne is lost and he is now in prison. Very wounded! Why do I describe all this? — Because I want you to know the child's nature; though natural, his nature is very near to the spirit; for the child is true, and a man's spirit is the deepest truth of him; therefore his nature and his spirit are at the very least quite close. If you can know and grasp this nature, you can know how to maintain him; a small bit of right treatment and you have satisfied him; in turn, he satisfies you.
My eldest and my second, when they were small, often quarreled. I felt this was no big matter — quarreling was their occupation — for not to quarrel was very lonely. Have you noticed? — The day you separate the eldest and the second, they become very lonely. "Where's big brother? Where did big brother go?" You tell her, "You quarrel every day, so I have separated you." What do you suppose she answers? She doesn't answer at all. After two days of weeping, she will ask again, "Where's big brother?" Still wants big brother. Quarrel often, make up often.
I have almost never said, "You are the older brother; in this matter you must defer to your sister." Why? — Because I know: the older brother, too, is just a child; if everything were always to require him as the older to give way to his sister, he would feel it very unfair. Many times it is really not simple. Our two children are both loved by visitors. Sometimes when guests come, my daughter comes out into the living room to receive them, because she enjoys it. And the saints would praise her, "Your sister is so good!" The moment I heard this, I would immediately add, "Our brother is not bad either!" — because I knew "walls have ears" — the brother heard it all. Although he was supposed to be busy with homework, this kind of "key sentence" he heard. So whoever praises this one, I at once praise the other one to keep the balance. Stopping to weigh this is no easy thing! But this kind of doing is in order to "care for their hearts" — and this is the principle of disciplining.
Many times we also pay too much attention to their deeds. As mothers, we know there are many kinds of crying. When the child sits on the floor crying and kicking his legs, you know that is fake crying. There is also crying from being wronged, or wrongly accused. There is the crying of needing comfort, the real crying, the crying that needs to be scolded. There are many kinds. We must manage — but with fake crying, you don't manage. While he cries, his eyes look up to see if you are looking — once you look, bawl! He is wailing again. As long as you don't look at him, he stops; you know that is fake crying. But there are moments when the child's heart is broken indeed, because he feels you have completely wronged him. We are to manage out what he has. We cannot manage out what he does not have; we can only manage out what God has given him, letting it be brought to expression.
4. The heart is easily caught by foolishness — they are descendants of Adam, the manifestation of Adam, easy to live out Adam — Prov. 22:15
Prov. 22:15 — Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; But the rod of correction will drive it far from him.
But the heart of the child is easily caught by foolishness. The pull of this world, the rebellion of the adolescent's mood, also the showing-off of the flesh — these are very easy to ensnare children. By the rod of discipline this must be driven far from him. Although in the previous three points we manage along with, this fourth point we must manage out, drive out, in order to keep him. Don't love him to such a point that anything goes — even if at home he speaks rough words, we don't manage. No! Our children's mouths must be cleansed and refined. We must also protect him: too early a coming-into of natural-romantic love between boys and girls is not good. They need to study; let their love be turned back to the Lord. All these points need discipline; all are stern.
5. Simple — easily receive sound truth, simple, not complex, not skeptical.
"Simplicity" is the condition for entering the kingdom of the heavens. Our children are so lovely! They are simple; they are not complex. Whenever they see what is praised in the Lord, they will think upon it. Now that we have seen all this, let us come to point III: based on point II, let us look at the principles of disciplining children in the holy word — these are all in Scripture, and we must take them as instruction to practice and keep.
III. The Principles of Disciplining Our Children in the Holy Word
1. To teach and to manage — Exo. 13:14; Deut. 6:6–9; 1 Tim. 3:4–5, 12; 5:10, 14
Exo. 13:14 — And when your son asks you in time to come, saying, What is this? you shall say to him, By strength of hand Jehovah brought us out from Egypt, from the slave house. Deut. 6:6 — And these words, which I command you today, shall be upon your heart; Deut. 6:7 — And you shall repeat them to your children, and speak about them when you sit in your house and when you journey on the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up; Deut. 6:8 — And you shall bind them on your hand as a sign, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes; Deut. 6:9 — And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. 1 Tim. 3:4 — One who manages well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity 1 Tim. 3:5 — (But if one does not know how to manage his own house, how will he care for the church of God?); 1 Tim. 3:12 — Deacons must be husbands of one wife, managing their children and their own houses well. 1 Tim. 5:10 — Well attested for good works, if she has brought up children, if she has shown hospitality to strangers, if she has washed the saints' feet, if she has assisted the afflicted, if she has diligently followed every good work. 1 Tim. 5:14 — I will therefore that younger widows marry, bear children, keep house, give no opportunity to the opposer for reproach;
First — "To teach and to manage." The Scripture in many places shows that children must be taught; must be managed. It cannot be left to themselves. Someone has asked me, "Does whether a child loves the Lord have very much to do with the parents?" I dare not say fully, but I would say, "Most of it has to do with this." Don't ever say, "Oh well, whether the child can love the Lord is up to him! If the Lord has compassion on him, he will love a little more; if the Lord has no compassion on him, he doesn't love." No! All our children are children on whom the Lord has compassion.
The present problem is: the Lord has already entrusted the children to us, and in this present age it is our responsibility to pass on the Lord whom we have believed to the next generation. Even many times, we hand the child over to the server, hoping, "The server is going to manage him for me." On one side this is fine; on the other side you must know — the server is secondary; you are primary. If father and mother do not pick up the responsibility, however much the server tries, it isn't easy. Of course there is still some benefit, but the parents' responsibility is the greatest.
2. To use the rod of discipline — to awaken the children's conscience, that they may have confession and discipline regarding the fallen nature of the old creation in Adam — Prov. 13:24; 22:11–15; 23:13–14; 29:15, 17
Prov. 13:24 — He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him chastens him early. Prov. 22:11 — He who loves pureness of heart And whose speech is gracious will have the king as his friend. Prov. 22:12 — The eyes of Jehovah preserve knowledge, But He overthrows the words of the treacherous man. Prov. 22:13 — The sluggard says, There is a lion outside! I will be slain in the streets! Prov. 22:14 — The mouth of strange women is a deep pit; He with whom Jehovah is indignant will fall in there. Prov. 22:15 — Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; But the rod of correction will drive it far from him. Prov. 23:13 — Do not withhold correction from a child; If you beat him with the rod, he will not die. Prov. 23:14 — If you beat him with the rod, You will deliver his soul from Sheol. Prov. 29:15 — The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. Prov. 29:17 — Correct your son, and he will give you rest; He will also give delight to your soul.
Second — "To use the rod of discipline." Since we are to teach, to manage, please remember — this teaching, this managing, must have the principle of the rod. Many places in Scripture show us we must use the rod. How would you believe this? — The Scripture's rod is a rod — there is real dealing. Of course in the New Testament, you may translate it as spiritual rod; but whether the rod is a physical rod or a spiritual rod, it must come with the strictest, weightiest, gravest authority — to manage, to reprove. The child in the end will be rescued out of foolishness. What is the purpose of the rod of discipline? — To awaken the conscience of the child, that he may have confession and discipline regarding the fallen nature of the old creation in Adam.
May the Lord cover me as I say it: "In the past many years, our discipline of our children laid weight on accompanying them to pray, to confess." What does it manage? — Yes, of course there must be management; there must also be striking, dealing — but the most important is that only through prayer, only through confession, can the conscience be awakened in the matter. Many times the children fight — that itself is no problem; but once they get to swinging fists, or once one is harming the other, then I am no longer easy on them; I will summon them before me. But in the moment my own anger is also rising hot — smoke is coming off my head — so I say, "You both stand here; do not move." I then go to the side and call on the name of the Lord; sometimes I even go to the bathroom. Why there? — To call on, to pray: "Oh! Lord, Lord, restrain my flesh; Lord, restore me to be a God-man — and then I will come back." The prayer finished, restored as a God-man, I come back, and sometimes I ask them, "What happened?" In the end, both are at fault — fights are always two-sided. You ask one, he tells how the other behaved; you ask the other, she tells how the one behaved; finally everything is laid open; I turn and ask, "Brother, you struck this way — was it right or not?" Brother shakes his head, "Mmm... mmm... mmm... not right!" "Sister, we have said before, the things in our home are common; nothing is yours alone — should you have lent it to your brother or not?" Sister: "Should have!"
When their conscience has been awakened, I say, "All right; pray." In the beginning, they don't yet know how. So big brother prays, "Lord, I won't hit my sister anymore." I say to him, "This prayer is not right." That kind of prayer is wrong. I think to myself, "You are still going to hit your sister next time, and keep hitting." The principle of confession is to confess for what is past — not to confess for the next time. Confessing for the next time cannot be guaranteed. So I say to him, "You only need to say, 'Lord Jesus, forgive me; I just struck my sister.'" — Such a prayer is effective. Last, I take my turn to pray; usually I bless them, praise them, and in prayer encourage them; and ask the Lord to keep watching over them. It ends; they are reconciled, they are friends again, off to play. For many years we have practiced this way, because we have found it is not easy; every time we still have to bring the child to the Lord's face.
3. To transfuse faith — 2 Tim. 1:3–5
2 Tim. 1:3 — I thank God, whom I serve from my forefathers in a pure conscience, while unceasingly I have remembrance concerning you in my petitions night and day, 2 Tim. 1:4 — Longing to see you, remembering your tears, that I may be filled with joy; 2 Tim. 1:5 — Having been reminded of the unfeigned faith in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded dwells also in you.
Third — "To transfuse faith." We do not only have negative discipline; our home is all the more a home of faith; the trait of our home is full of faith, praise, thanksgiving, and treasuring toward the Lord. So at home we need the constant transfusion of faith. Even your discipline ought, more often than not, to put forth the positive story of the Lord Jesus, that the child may see — "This is the kind of behavior that does not match the life of the Lord Jesus on earth." This is to be in the treasuring of the Lord that the child may be enlightened.
4. Sow according to the Spirit — Gal. 6:8
Gal. 6:8 — For he who sows unto his own flesh will reap corruption of the flesh, but he who sows unto the Spirit will of the Spirit reap eternal life.
Fourth — "Sow according to the Spirit." As regards ourselves, this is an important point: we need to sow according to the Spirit. Whether by rod or by reproof, in the Lord Jesus there is no problem. The problem is in whether you sow according to the Spirit, or according to the flesh. Many times we as parents will hit our child too hard; and not infrequently, in one careless instant, we have vented our flesh.
Sometimes after the hitting, we ourselves feel uneasy; but it is too late — for he who sows according to the flesh will reap from the flesh; one day the harvest will come out from the child's body. Sometimes in surprise you discover: the way your child curses people is exactly like yours! — for the seed has sprouted; the look you had, the harshness, the words — they all spring up in full. This warns us: we must sow according to the Spirit. This point is very important. Until today I am still learning, learning that disciplining the child must always return to the spirit and manage according to the spirit. Sometimes it is hard to know to what point the speech should go, to what point the rebuke should be carried — but I am willing to practice.
5. Do not provoke your children to anger — Eph. 6:4
Eph. 6:4 — And fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but nurture them in the discipline and admonition of the Lord.
Fifth — "Do not provoke your children to anger." This point Paul especially reminds parents about — for parents very easily stir the children's anger. Many times we do this in many matters; for example: you say, "Why didn't you do well? Look how well that So-and-so's son did!" You may want to provoke him to perform better. Does it work? — Often, not very well. Of course for a few it works; with a single provocation he comes back with a good grade.
But there is one matter to remember — "In the matter of loving the Lord, provoking will absolutely not work." For example: you say, "Child, what did you prophesy yesterday? Did you hear how brilliantly So-and-so prophesied?" I think — what would he prophesy next time? He'll say, "From now on I will not prophesy any more." That's exactly right! You have all experienced this! He at once thinks, "Fine — I won't prophesy anymore. Will that do?"
To tell the truth, this is not only of children; it goes for husband and wife too. As husbands, may the Lord keep us — never go home and say to your wife, "Wife, what did you say today? Nobody could understand! Even your husband couldn't understand!" How wounding that is! Just think — what would your wife answer? — She might say, "Fine — then I won't speak at all, will that do?" Remember — this is what is called provoking another to anger — the very result is to make them lose the heart for loving the Lord.
When you provoke other things, you may stir up his pride; he will use his flesh, his natural-self, to put forth one or another show; but if you stir his flesh, you will surely not strengthen his spirit; you will surely consume his heart for loving the Lord. I myself have practiced — to mind this point, lest the child fall back in the matter of prayer. Sometimes I rebuke too much, and I become anxious: Will he still go to pray? Will he have any complaint against the Lord? — May the Lord cause us not to provoke our children to anger.
6. The example's nurturing influence is the most important — Acts 20:18–20; 1 Thes. 2:7
Acts 20:18 — And when they came to him, he said to them, You yourselves know, from the first day that I set foot in Asia, how I was with you all the time, Acts 20:19 — Serving the Lord as a slave with all humility and tears and trials which came upon me by the plots of the Jews; Acts 20:20 — How I did not withhold any of those things that are profitable by not declaring them to you and by not teaching you publicly and from house to house, 1 Thes. 2:7 — But we were gentle in your midst, as a nursing mother would cherish her own children.
In the end — if you want your child to love the Lord, you yourself must be one who loves the Lord; if you want your child to pray, you yourself must be one who prays; if you want your child to be pure, you yourself must be one who purely loves the Lord. The example's nurturing influence is still the most important.
IV. The Parents' Service-Fellowship
1. To care for the children is to serve the church; therefore, there must be regular service-fellowship.
2. With one accord, pray and seek together for the spiritual blessing of the children.
3. In many things, fellowship out many common principles; avoid different methods of discipline, lest this give the children the habit of fleshly attachment.
4. The common principles fellowshipped out must walk according to the truth.
5. When instructing, base your teaching upon a common feeling, and let the children sense the parents' inward heart and the Lord's great love.
— End of Message Four —